I would love to tell you that the placement is going fantastically and that all is well and good in my world ok. I started placement on Monday, by today I am wrecked.
I worked Monday 9-4.30 and Tuesday 8-4 as scheduled. Today I started at 8 and at 2pm I was pulled into the kitchen by my supervisor and pretty much told that I looked exhausted and she thought it best for my health if I went home and scaled my placement down to part-time hours. Needless to say I was gutted. I know she has my best interests at heart but I can’t help feeling like I’ve let her and myself down by not being able to cope as well as I know I can. I never even managed 3 days. That is more than a little disappointing. There was nothing I could do short of nod my head and agree to go home.
When I got home I crashed for an hour and felt a little better – there is nothing worse than feeling so tired it is hard to keep yopur eyes open let alone lift your feet off the ground. Maybe the people who told me I am aiming too high are right. I am starting to think maybe I am not up to the job. It is what I want to do and I enjoy it but I seem to be incapable of actually coping with it – this and I still haven’t got beyond observing and there is a high chance she will decide I am not fit to be seeing patients. That would be heartbreaking. If I fail any of these placements I will have wasted the last 5 years and be left with very few career prospects. At least not prospects that I like the idea of.
I hate that I can’t work full-time and I guess I do have to accept my limitations but I can’t help feeling that life really isn’t fair. I have seen 2 lots of class mates graduate and get jobs, several are working in the same hospital as me and seeing them working and being all professional and making a wage just breaks my heart. I just feel like a total failure and I can’t help but ask, why me? Why can’t |I just function like everyone else. I have tried everything I can to stay well yet I get fucked over by my body and my moods on a regular basis. If I have to have bipolar disorder why can’t I have the standard garden variety, why do I have to have rapid-cycling where I don’t know how I’ll be from one hour to the next – or even minute. The crash today happened over the course of an hour. I went from being fine and happy and enthusiastic (not hypomanic though) to anxious and being unable to summon any energy – not even enough to hold a conversation without spacing out or wanting to jump out the 6th floor window – it’s probably just as well the windows don’t open at all, although it’s a bitch when it’s hot.
I really want to self-harm. More than I have wanted to in ages, probably more than I have done in the past when I have self-harmed. But I’ll be damned if I will give in and do it. I can’t for placement and I might be going on holiday in 3 weeks so it is completely out of the question, not to mention it will have undone 3 months worth of resisting. I know thast those few minutes of relief will be met with shame, frustration and self-hatred and will not be worthwhile at all. I know all this yet I still want to. Some people would say just do one small cut and it’ll be fine but I know given previous experience that I would end up doing at least 50. It’s really just not an option and I need to remove the notion from my head completely.
In short I hate my brain and my body. It is a constant battle at the moment but I WILL win. Damn it.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: battle, bipolar, Bipolar is not a fashion statement, body, brain, damnit, disappointed, failing, hatred, let-down, placement, self harm, sent home, stressed, tired
You will win. And if you have to do it more slowly than other people then so be it. You’re not a failure if you need more time than other people… look at me preaching, I know exactly how you feel because I’m there too, although admittedly I don’t have placement. You can do this job, you’re good at it and it’s not your fault if the bipolar gets in the way. To be perfectly honest it sounds like going part time is a good idea, even if you don’t want to. It should reduce the stress right? Those people you see at the hospital haven’t been through half of what you have, and if they did they’d be in just the same situation. Be strong, and be the person underneath the moods.
I find your blog extremely honest and interesting. Bipolar disorder is a severe and complicated mental illness. Many doctors are unable or unwilling to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and young teens. It is important to get help and recognize the different treatment options available. The Silver Hill Hospital website has some helpful information and resources, including adolescent residential programs. Check it out, if you want.