Long Overdue

I feel like I am constantly apologising for the lack of action on this blog.  My life has been a bit mental recently and I think I am still catching up with everything that has happened since I last posted.

Firstly the placement: Placement was AMAZING! Never have a felt so much like I belonged somewhere.  I felt comfortable doing what I was doing and felt that I made some small difference to the lives of the individuals I worked with over the six weeks.  Apparently I have a calming voice that is good for mental health settings- and giving that came from a patient I feel that I have to take it onboard.

Anyway the placement was pass/fail and I passed! I also got an A for my final piece of coursework.  The A and then the revelation I had achieved a 2.1 for my degree left me speechless on the end of the phone to my lecturer.  I was so glad to have finished but more so to be able to say that I showed everyone that said I wouldn’t qualify or would get a low grade that in fact I am better than they gave me credit for.  Graduation was last week but since then I feel like I am in limbo.  I don’t have a job, there are few job prospects at the moment and I just feel a little lost.

In other news my best friend is ill again which has led to many crisis management situations.  Now I know what it is like to see a friend restrained by security and know what I put people through when the police took me home in crisis.  Anyway she got out of hospital today and is now eating a little better than she has in a long time so hopefully things are looking up in that department.

I feel this post is a little rambly, actually they probably all are.  I have two appointments tomorrow, my gp and my psych.  I see them both monthly so why I am seeing them on the same day I don’t know, I feel that possibly defeats the purpose of regular support but never mind, things aren’t atrocious moodwise.  I get to be a human pincushion and get blood tests taken.  They are supposed to be every three months or something but I approximate it has been far more than six months since my last blood test.

So, the mood. Well.  It hasn’t been too bad possibly mild level depression which for me at this time of year is fantastic (this is my worst time for being very depressed).  I am a very calm sensible person, really.  However, I can see elements of the recklessness that was present when I was ill and not in treatment.  It has crept in quietly and sort of nestled inside me.  When I say recklessness I’m not sure I mean impulsivity but I also don’t mean mania.  I have sort of reduced my dose by half – not deliberately over the last couple of months.  This is mainly because I have forgotten to take doses, because I have had colds and been sick and also just because I didn’t want to.  I brought this up with my consultant last month and he just advised me to take them whilst telling his medical student that some of his younger patients find it hard to take regular medication.  TIT.  I also have a confession to make and please don’t judge me on it.  I don’t know what happened, it was a strange night and has obviously caused me some concern.  I don’t know what to think.

Here goes then (it pains me to even type it).  I was nice and comfy midweek in my bed around 12.30am when my mobile rings.  I answer it.  My friend/ex support worker is on the phone.  She has been to an xmas night out and everyone has left her and she has been left to party alone with a warning that she had to be at work 10.30am next morning.  So given my inability to say no I get dressed and meet her at the pub.  She is blazing.  We had a couple of drinks and I end up following her to a flat with a couple of guys, whilst reminding her about getting up with no avail.  Basically she fucks off with one of them and I am left with the other and his flatmate who start doing lines of base/speed.  I did a line too.  I don’t know why.  I know it was incredibly stupid.  I learned from it.  My heart felt like it was gonna explode and I drank a lot afterwards to the point of being very ill.  I haven’t been that hungover in a while either. Thankfully I never had sex which would have been the final act to cause intense self-hatred.  I hate myself for doing drugs.  Hate me.  Yeah and anyone that ever compared a buzz to mania was far far off.  I was more awake but didn’t have any of the drive to talk, make things, do things that I have when I am manic.  All in all it was a pointless exercise.  My friend never made it to work as we left the flat at 8.30 am for a sleep.I let her down.  I was supposed to get her home.  I should have tried harder to persuade her.  I am a total loser.

After all that negative rant I should probably end on a positive note.  I am now officially a published poet.  Two of my poems have been published in a book being sold completely for a charity that provides emergency medical kits to rural doctors in Scotland so they can provide care prior to the arrival of an ambulance which can take a long time in remote areas.  I wasn’t too sure as to what sort of quality the book would be and I honestly was surprised at the contents.  The aim of the book is to bring hope, motivation and understanding to people.  That’s probably not the best explanation.  It is very motivational without being too cheesy.  Anyway I should probably tell you where you can buy it.  I am recommending it as it is uplifting and not just because I am in it.  It is called

The Swallow, the Owl and the Sandpiper: Words of Courage, Wisdom and Spirit by Claire Maitland for The Sandpiper Trust.  The charity’s website is:  http://www.sandpipertrust.org/  and the book can be purchased HERE.

Yeah, apologies for the weird and rubbish post.

Further update to come sooner than later, hopefully.