Nearly Qualified – 5 weeks to go!

Yet again I feel the need to apologise for the lack of posts on this blog, my life has just been mad busy and currently I don’t have the internet due to crashing at other people’s houses.

Back-track slightly to what has been going on before now.

Last time I posted I was doing a difficult placement which thankfully I survived.  Unfortunately having thought that was bad I was to be horribly disappointed with the next placement.

I ended up doing a six week absolutely hellish placement with a completely horrible educator.   She was so horrible she made me cry on day 2 due to snide remarks and criticism through sarcasm, which she thought was funny.  Thankfully when new staff started on a rotation, strangely girls who were in my class first time round, it got directed onto them which made life a little more bearable.  She told me the uni wanted her to fail me and that I am a strange girl and that she has grave concerns about how I will do in my final placement.  Oh yeah and she made a huge issue about how my confidence or lack thereof was causing great barriers – well to be honest you are really not helping bitch.  It just wasn’t very fun.

Anyways.  Having scraped my way through the beginning of it and barely passing at my halfway assessment I managed to pull my finger out and give a big fuck you to both her and my university tutors by gaining a fairly respectable C in the placement. HA!

I then had to go away and write a case study based on the placement but the patient I was supposed to write it about was far to complicated so me being me decided to just use an imaginary patient based on a mixture of the patients I had seen.  Again another huge up yours to the uni as I got an A for it.

So the only thing standing between me and my degree is a 6 week mental health placement.  I am one week in and having done absolutely no treatment my supervisor – who is incredibly lovely- says she sees no reason why I wouldn’t pass.  Hell Yeah.  I am bloody loving it so far, mental health is totally my niche.  This is good as I was seriously having my doubts about whether I was going into the right profession.

The placement is pass/fail which means all I need to do is meet my learning outcomes which I am damn well going to do.  So by my calculations – don’t quote me – I am all set for a 2.1 in my honours degree.  I am so incredibly chuffed.  The only downside of the placement is that it’s 30 miles away from my flat which means I am having to live with other people.  I stayed with my friend’s Mum the last week, who is also my supervisors boss- awkward.  She insisted on feeding me which at the moment I am not all that happy with.  I know I should be grateful but all I want to do at the moment is lose some weight as I feel massive and whalelike. Meh.

My mood has been relatively stable for the last, well ages.  I spoke to my consultant and he said at a guess maintenance meds should be taken for 2.5 years.  We worked it out and that means I can technically come off them in the summer.  It has been ages since I self-harmed despite huge urges on my last placement.

This weekend things don’t feel entirely right.  I drove up the road imagining my car drifting into the motorway central reservation, not so good.  Other suicidal fantasies keep going round and round in my head too, keeping me awake all night.  I know it’s not good and it’s subconscious planning and running through scenarios and I should be worried but I know my head is fucked and just plan to ignore it.  Possibly it is caused by the fact over the last couple of months I may have missed too many occasional days of meds.  Not many in a row but odd days,  Never mind.   As soon as I know I am passing the placement and there is no chance of it going wrong I am coming off them anyway.  It’s all just wrong.  I’m not ill anymore, not in the traditional sense.  Yeah I am maybe psychologically a bit weird but as for bipolar I am no longer sure.  Hmmm.

Nothing is set in stone and things change so….

I better go pack my bags for driving down to placement tomorrow, although I am technically homeless tomorrow night but nevermind I am sure it will all work out fine.

Kxx