Flickers of something old.

I am sitting here having a nice break from packing.  Having hinted to my parents several times about wanting to return to my flat before the new year they have finally agreed to drive the 5-6 hour round trip to drop me off and buy me some shopping.   truth be told I am so so so so glad I am going.  I have had a good run and it is time to go before things deteriorate and taint my memories of being home.  Things with my sister have been steadily going downhill and today she called me a whore for the final time, there is only so many times one can be told to “fuck off” before losing the rag completely.  She is counting the seconds until I go but is not waving me off at the door oh no, she is coming up into my flat so she can retrieve items I borrowed from her, despite the fact she has stolen so much stuff from me over the years that I have given up keeping count.

Saying that though, we went to the carnival together and my sister and I got on fine and actually had fun going on the rides.  I am actually beginning to think that the meds (yeah the fattening ones) are doing some of their job.  I though it was a fluke but on boxing day I went for a walk with my Dad and enjoyed it – yes that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you smile without thinking about it.   It happened again today I actually felt some enjoyment for life, not the conscious “I am having a good time” but an internal unspoken enjoyment which is hard to explain in words.  It’s complicated trying to explain it.  I haven’t felt or enjoyed anything wholly and honestly in a long time, in such a long time that I forgot what it was like to enjoy things.  Recently I have remembered again and it feels, well it feels strange.  Good strange but strange all the same.

It is like the past many months I have been walking around with a sheet of very fine netting around me that stopped happiness getting in but still allowed me to feel everything else.  Filtering out the good stuff.  It has 0nly been brief flickers of enjoyment so far but hopefully, maybe it will continue or the flickers may become something bigger.  I can only wait, but there is hope.