Whirlwind

I have a justifiable excuse for the lack of posting this time.  My life literally has been a whirlwind of events, one things after another.

I graduated in Dec 09 with my 2:1 degree – go me!

I was interviewed at the start of Jan for a job I really wanted and was offered numerous interviews elsewhere. Unfortunately someone “pipped me to the post” with the first job however three weeks later I got a phone call saying that another post on the rotation had become available and would I like the job and be able to start as soon as possible.  OF COURSE!  Now, all this looks great in theory, however, there were a number of stressing factors involved:

1)The job was literally at the other end of the UK – pretty much the furthest I could go

2)It was my first post after qualifying which is always likely to be stressful

3)I knew no one in the area and had nowhere to live

So…I moved down on a Saturday, my parents kindly drove the 10 hours in my replacement micra (didn’t think my first one would survive the journey)…now 10 hours in micra with 3 people and belongings does not make for a comfortable trip. This also meant that I could only take with me things that would fit in said micra without exceeding its weight limit.  Anyways, so we trek our way down the road and stay the night in a travel lodge, the next day we view flats and on the Monday I move into the new flat – I’ll move on to the flat situation in a bit.

Before I can begin work there is a problem with my reference – guess which?- yup the uni were being slow and annoying.  It got to the stage I was on first name terms with HR and we were both phoning the uni numerous times a day, every day.  Eventually the reference was written.  Also has a slight hitch getting occ health approval but this was expected and so not as annoying.

By this time we are now in the middle of March and I begin my new job.  I find out on the Thursday where I am going to be working and start on the Monday.  The downside of joining a rotation late is that you don’t get to choose your clinical area.  Luck was on my side though as I was given a secure mental health unit – which would have been somewhere on my list of choices.  This was slightly clouded by the attitudes when I told people where I was going to be working and the response was “you’re working where?!!!, and it’s your first job?!”  you sort of get the impression that this should be followed up with the line “you are so going to die”!.  Compound this with the fact that another new start had the position before me and lasted less than a week before getting transferred elsewhere and you can probably guess that the fear of God was within me.

Thankfully my boss was, and still is, more so every day, AMAZING.  A little excitable sometimes and swears like a trouper but overall a sensible, intelligent and brilliant at her job sort of person.  Who could ask for more? Me of course.

After a couple of months of doing well at work, developing confidence and not making too many mistakes things started to take a bit of a downwards spin.  My landlord turned out to be a complete neurotic tool and started being rude to both myself and my friends to the point where I didn’t really want anything to do with her.  This was then followed by her being made redundant and deciding that she needs to sell the flat.  After 3 months in my new abode I had to begin looking for somewhere to live, again.  Hopefully this time it will work out a little better, fingers crossed x.

All the stress of everything crept up on me and I started to feel a little low.  I, unlike my usual self, decided I should be proactive (with a little encouragement from my boss) and seek help before it became an issue.  Now, a referral had been sent from original home to gp here, who forwarded it to CMHT.  I was seen there by a consultant who was to be retiring a couple of weeks later…oh well…then I found out to be replaced by a locum consultant…my upstairs neighbour and best friend to my landlord…nightmare.   Only my life could get this messy.  So Consultant started me on an antidepressant (duloxetine) and increased my mood stabilizer, all well and good, she then arranged for me to be transferred to another CMHT.

So being the good girl that I am began taking the pills.  The first day of taking them led to:

Me – to boss- Would it be possible to get a lift home after work?

Boss- Why what’s wrong with your car?

M: Nothing, I just don’t feel very well and don’t want to drive.

B: well wait 20 minutes and I’ll come take you home after my meeting.

M: OK thanks

Thoughts over the 20 minutes:

OMG I am going to be sick

I can’t see, I can’t move

If I move a muscle I am going to spew

How am I going to get home

Should I just walk – no i might not make it and collapse somewhere

should i get a taxi – no cos they’ll charge me if i spew

Ill just wait

It’s been twenty minutes already, should i crawl

I feel more sick than ever I will put my head on the desk and try not to die.

About 30 mins after requesting my boss comes back to the office.  She takes one look at me and says “OMG you don’t look well at all” my response “*groan* I really don’t feel well”  So she starts throwing her stuff in her bag, hands me the dustbin and we rush down the 3 flights of stairs to get out of the building – I say rush but I couldn’t really move fast at all.  We get to the reception where we need to hand in our keys between double doors and get the receptionist to let us out.  Well the receptionist looked at us and answered ringing phone – bloody temp- and starts a very long conversation with person on the other end of the phone describing each part of the unit and suggesting people that the caller could speak to.  Meanwhile my knuckles are white with clinging onto the bin for dear life.  Receptionist then gets the hint when I BEG her to open the outside door and leave my keys with the boss.  The fresh air helped a little.  Eventually boss manages to escape it felt like forever and we get in the car.  I was well warned that I had to aim for the bucket and not get her car.Of course by this time it is 5.20pm in the city centre…rush hour.  So she ends up driving manically down the side streets, twisting and turning with me just praying for death in the passenger seat.  My boss laughs at me and says “Now you can tell why I am not a nurse…I don’t really do sympathy”  NO SHIT! I’m at deaths door and you’re laughing.  It was pretty funny at the time though and  even funnier in hindsight.  I made it home and spent the next couple of days playing the game you do when you’re incredibly hungover, it’s the “how still can I lie here” game. Fun fun.

I didn’t take the pill the second day and on the third it was a battle of will between me and the pill, I must have stared at it for at least 2 hours before managing to chuck it back.

Little did I know that this was only the start of my woes.

This wonderful little pill sent me on a rollercoaster ride lasting a couple of months.  Cycling  every 3-4 days at most from swinging off the chandelier to everyone is out to get me to i can’t move my limbs are too heavy to where’s the nearest bus/lorry/train I can throw myself under.  Fun and games…needless to say after breaking down twice in the office and being unable to function properly at work and also with patients asking me whether I was taking drugs I ended up being signed off.

Meanwhile my GP and I are chasing up referral to new CMHT…one month later we managed to get an appointment which lasted 10minutes and consisted of the consultant saying “”ah yes well anti-depressants can cause swings into mania” No shit! I could have told you that.  What the hell are you being paid for?!  he changes nothing, offers no followup and tells me I can go back to work.

I have been off 3 weeks now and I am so bored…you know you are either verging on completely manic or bored as fuck when you start cleaning skirting boards, doors and cars (I never cleaned my previous car out in the entire 6 years I owned it).  I think I may have been both.  Unfortunately occ health are involved and have decided that I must have 2 weeks completely stable and sleeping.  This is pretty much impossible as I have atrocious sleep patterns and given recent moods and I now have to move house next week.  Hopefully he will let me go back next week. Please please please please let him say I can go back!

So I think that’s just about where I am at.  I am settled and completely unsettled.  I feel

lonely, scared and lost.  I feel frustrated about my job and living situation and mental health support equalling nil.

Hopefully things will get better soon and I can stop feeling like I am back at square one and get my life back on track again.

Kx

P.S. Despite all this I never self-harmed.  Woohoo! I have lost count of how many months, well over a year now…I am quite proud of myself 🙂