Going Under.

Well it has been a while since I lasted posted, not entirely my fault, I have had no internet for a couple of weeks and am still waiting for it to be reconnected, luckily there is a connection that I am able to poach from for a short while….I know it’s stealing and bad and all that but I was doing my nut without a daily fix of the internet. I guess you don’t realise how much time is spent online until you don’t have a connection.

Well…an update. Well I’ll start with the past couple of weeks first before talking about the last few day, makes sense doesn’t it?!

I am having a “lull” as my GP calls it, I call it sinking over the period of 3 weeks, slowly then quickly going under. It began just before the family holiday and has led to more really close suicide attempt misses since. To the point of starting to swallow the pills then my throat deciding it just can’t cope. I still wish it could.

I have just been getting increasingly tired and sleeping more and more, a) to stop myself taking me off the planet and b)because I literally cannot keep my eyes open. Apparently my mood is getting increasingly low, although sometimes I just think I am being lazy and stupid and bringing it all upon myself, therefore entirely deserving of this shitness. It’s getting to the point where I am not doing anything, going to classes, getting up etc because I just cannot face the day. I know I need to do something, I’m just not entirely sure what. I was told today I was “perky” but apparently I am very good at covering it all up and appearing like I’m coping….inside everything is falling apart….everything.  Perky?  My arms tell a completely different story.

The last couple of days,OK, I was awoken yesterday to my phone ringing on my desk, having been up all night I was not entirely surprised to see that I’d slept through my 12pm lecture. So that set me off on a negative slant before I had even answered the phone. On answering my phone I discovered that my best friend was distraught and on a bus heading down to see me, as she had fallen out with her family and cut all ties with her health professionals, not a good plan when you’re BMI is about 13 and you are refusing to eat or drink. I was a little bit sensible in that when I got off the phone I immediately called her mother to find out what was going on. I discovered that things were worse than initially thought. Her mother was convinced she was going to go away and overdose, having threatened it to her Dr earlier in the day when he suggested admission to the ward. I headed off to collect her from the bus stop, after calling one of my other friends for some advice and concocting an “accidental meet” when I was with my friend, mainly for moral support on my part and also because due to lack of sleep I could not string a sentence together let alone think rationally. I ended up standing at the wrong bus stop because I am a fool, which gave her a spare 5 minutes to buy tablets from a nearby shop (I found this out later when she was asked to give them to me). So the three of us headed for much needed coffee and talked over what had happened and about what the next steps could be.

Thankfully after a period of time we (mainly my friend) managed to open her eyes to the fact that she did want to be on the ward, however scared she was, and that it was ultimately the best and probably only sensible option. So about 4pm I walked her to the hospital to make sure she was safely admitted.

I underestimated how emotionally draining the whole thing would be and I owe a lot to the friend that was there as I know I would not have coped alone and that the outcome may not have been so positive. I came home and slept for a few hours before going to the film club to try and take my mind off things for a while.

I cried all the way home and for several hours afterwards, not just sobs or the normal kind of crying that I am used to regularly but actual from the bottom of my heart, soul and feet gut-wrenching crying, the type where you want to breath but the breath gets caught in your throat and the effort is too great and you choke. Hours of that. I don’t know where it came from, I knew it had been a hard day, one that I was not emotionally fit to cope with, but I put on my coping face and I coped. I think the whole pretending to cope barrier came crashing down around me and I realised that I really can’t deal with things right now. I cannot remember the last time I felt so despairing, so helpless, so lost. I still feel the same but am too physically exhausted to let tears flow. Anyways the barrier went up again today, despite not wanting to leave the flat due to puffy eyes and sore throat, I went and visited her on the ward and she is doing much better, so I am happier about that.

The only thing is that I am 100 times worse and pretending harder than ever before. I cannot fold, I need to be here for her, to be strong. I just don’t know how much longer I can last.